Welcome back Ghoulfriends,
The feels around this holiday are high. It is one of the best days to celebrate the horror genre – Friday the 13th! A day filled with superstition and hockey masks. You can usually expect a thunderstorm of some sorts to occur and at my house we have a marathon of epic proportions.
I can’t even remember all the times I begged my mom to take me to the video rental store. I wanted to rent some late night horror sleaze and eat some cheesy fries LIKE ALL THE TIME! My mom, the saint, usually let me rent 4 or more horror films to occupy my weekend. Typically, one of the films I chose was always a Friday the 13th sequel. I fucking love these movies.
Nostalgia runs deep for me with this franchise that dominated the 80’s box office. With each installment it added an impressive body count and each new kill outmaneuvered the last. These were the films that I got my friends pumped about at slumber parties. They all follow a similar formula that includes elements of horror and humor mixed carefully to produce an exhilarating ride.
To watch the entire series it would take about 16 hours. Yes, that means a good portion of your day will be spent watching the series. I bet that sounds exhausting. But do not fear, we’re here. Let us help you out by planning your day so that you can party all day with Jason Voorhees and his headless mother!
So if you are reading this now then you are already probably behind. Because the start of this marathon begins at Midnight. But just a taste, us camp counselors need our rest and it will be a long day following. Adjust your schedules accordingly.
At Midnight pop in the OG Friday the 13th. It has a run time of a little over an hour and a half. So by 1:35 AM (give or take trailers depending on your VHS copy) you should be nestled in sleep ready to dream of Cha-ha-ha noises.
Set your alarm for 7 AM. I know it is early but come on if camp counselors can wake up to round up little shits then you can roll out of bed and put on some coffee and pop in the follow-up sequel. As you are yawning be cautious of that rumbling stomach and begin preparing your breakfast of sequels.
Crafty bitches could probably make some waffle that resembles a hockey mask or something. Me? I like to keep it simple and assemble some pancakes with a hole in the left because they resemble burlap sacks ala Jason’s disguise in Part 2. Ahem. As you are trying to avoid burning your house down you can put in the 3D extravaganza that is…part 3. It should be around 8:30 in the morning by this point.
Closing in on 10 in the morning you will be able to get through the final chapter with ease to discover a new beginning pisses you off before noon because NO JASON?!!! But settle down because by lunch Jason will be reanimated as a zombie.
If you don’t want to cook fancy hipster pinterest finger foods then order a fucking pizza for Jason Lives from 2-3:30. Save your leftovers for the telekinetic entry. Blood so new it shows no sign of coagulating. It should be almost 5 a clock. You’re yawning because you are tired, you spent too much time making finger cookies and now the worst of the entire series is in front of you. The Jason’s.
You’ll be surprised at the laughter and love that is created by your umpteenth re-watch of the riveting landscape change up that is Jason takes Manhattan. Who doesn’t love a good cruise? Don’t let this tempt you to order your “luxury” liner tickets and see CATS in NYC…YOU MUST FINISH THE MARATHON!
By now it’s 7 a clock or some bullshit and you have to watch the parasitic make out sessions of older men on older men passing Jason’s tortured soul. Yeah. That’s the plot. You ready? You’ve just spent 15 hours exploring the dynamics of one of the most iconic horror series in history. To finally come to the “meta” conclusion that Jason is now just regurgitated into others mouths like evil vomit. But we love it!
Sigh. I can tell you are sweaty ghoulfriend and really ready to go to sleep and not that fake sleep so you can have sex and be doubled impaled (shoutout to part 2). The time has come…to watch the final FINAL chapter (second final chapter) of this franchise.
Yes. You get to end your day with Jason X. Sigh, relief, pant, DIE. The 16 hour Marathon is over and it’s under 10 O’clock or slightly over depending on 90’s trailer disturbance, food disagreements and accidental machete impales.
Perhaps now you want to detach from the boob tube (so much tits in this series), rewind all the tapes and go out on the town to get your camp crystal lake cocktail. Congratulations spooks, you’ve survived Friday the 13th with time to spare. You are welcome.
As we wrap up lets hand out some awards for our celebration of one of the best horror franchises in history!
BEST KILL AWARD – I would have to say the best kill of the series was in….Part 7: The New Blood: Girl in sleeping bag against the tree. It just captures Jason’s often resourceful nature mixed with camping homage and dark comedy.
FAVORITE FILM IN FRANCHISE – Part 3 and the funky dance title sequence will always have a place in my heart.
WORST FILM IN FRANCHISE – JASON GOES TO HELL (But I still lowkey rep it)
FAVORITE FINAL GIRL – Alice.
FAVORITE JASON – Controversially I actually enjoy the burlap sack Jason. There’s just something so spooky about someone wearing a sack as a disguise.
MOST BEAUTIFUL LAKE – I’m a fan of the spooky enclosed Georgia lake used in Jason Lives.
MOST CREATIVE STORY – Part 5 has a really interesting story that I think was trying to turn the series in a different direction. Following the Survivor and their slow descent into madness was lost because of the EXTREME HATE OF NO JASON!!!!!!
FAVORITE BOAT – SS Lazarus the one Jason boards to NYC
BEST RETELLING OF JASON’S LEGACY – Jason X, Dieter Perez explaining Jason Voorhees worth, killing over 200 people.
FAVORITE TOMMY JARVIS – Bald.